The finality of it just hit me. It was the only last few straws of memories I had with them and the fact that it all went to dust just shows how futile it was in the first place. I wasn't prepared for it although it was hovering in the subconscious edge for a long time.
There was Nani, Yati, Bib, Ain and Me. We're the only ones Yati managed to contact and brought together. It was fun in the initial days and countless discussion session on a group meeting which never took place.
But still, we clung on. Despite everyone being busy with their own lives, there will be the occasional shout-outs and a round of banter will take place. And then total silence. Months later, someone will say something and another round will take place.
I never get the courage to ask permission from the husband about meeting them. The first time I brought it up years ago, he shot rounds of immature, hurtful questions that I just couldn't be bothered to voice it out again.
I am not going to dwell about it today because I did after all, marry a 10-year old boy trapped in a man's body. It was always his friends, his group, his interest, his hobbies, his likes, his dislikes. Am not sure if I am proud to say that he has no inkling about me and that if I ever existed before I met him.
It's the guilt in me that somehow makes the crumbling of this group seemed even more painful today.
It started with Nani leaving the group first. Bib followed many months later. Yati left not long after and that's when Ain and I had this last conversation.
It started with Nani leaving the group first. Bib followed many months later. Yati left not long after and that's when Ain and I had this last conversation.
And just like that, I found myself all alone, facing the silent wall. This time, there was no one in "group info". No status of their situations. No one behind the wall to assure me that everything is going to be alright and that we will meet again some day.
The finality of the situation hit me and I just cried. I bawled my eyes out because I was too chicken shit to save it.
It was the final link I had to those days of carefree madness. The happy moments, locked away and never to to be experienced ever again. The final closure to that phase of youth and a reminder to us that we have no choice but to move on...
...and as our lives changed
from whatever
we will still be
friends forever....
