Of Class 3 Driving License.

I got my class 3A driving license 5 years ago. I was co-erced into it. The hubby killed my passion 10 years ago just because I passed the final theory and he failed. Then 2 years down the road when he passed, he slow-talked me into taking the dreaded test again.

Of course by that time, my Final Theory has expired, all fiery passions have gone and I was as resentful as ever. Especially since the MIL has forked out $2000 cash for me to "chase my dreams". I didn't really have the heart to tell her that my dreams consisted of nightmares involving me driving naked around the circuit and failing the practical test because I use the poles that guide the parallel parking thing to hang my laundry - hence the driving naked bit.

Oh, the final theory? That's chicken feed. I aced it the second time round as I thought I could. It's the practical test that I'm worried about.

So I coudn't sleep for weeks leading up to the dreaded day. I was afraid I'd fail. Failure means more money to fork out because there'll be an extra 6 lessons to go through and the test fees as well. Failure would mean enduring the noise that would emit from the hubby who will never let me hear the end of it.

Anyway, I passed with 14 points. Ok. fair enough although the tester seemed unhappy at me for passing because all he said when he handed my results was "Pass", then added gruffly "Drive carefully hor.."

That was an experience I didn't wish to repeat again. However, for all the co-ercing, holier than thou barking he did whenever I reverse-parked too slowly, or his constant nagging over my driving, my husband actually let me have the steering wheel. Although I did tell him that I will not drive if I can help it with him within the confines of the car. I'd rather drive alone. After all these years, he accepted it. He even accepted it when I said "I'm not driving if you're going to spoil my day". So, at least there's a quiet agreement there. But somehow I'm lucky that I can at least touch the steering wheel.

It doesn't seemed the same to two of my friends.

Friend "A" had her license for years but have not even set foot on the pedal. Not once. She only said one word when I asked and that is "phobia". She ever called one night asking if I'd like to go to work with her the next day because her hubby is not working so no one is sending her to work. I thought she's giving me a lift since the car will not be used by hubby.

But no, nothing of that sort. I am to be her 'kaki' because she got no friend to take the bus with her to work. Hello..I take the bus to work everyday and I go alone. I don't need to set up a date to "go to work together" unless of course I'd get lost because I'm so used to sitting primly on the passenger side of the car that I forgot how to walk alone.

Friend "B" had hers a few years before mine but after her stories about her adventures at the driving circuit and finally having the license to her name, she has not so much as touched the steering wheel - yet.

This same friend smirked at me when I said I drove to work (sometimes because i have to - yup, kena forced again) because she kept preaching the I-prefer-to-take-public
transport-because-it's-cheaper-and-I'll-reach-home-faster" theory. I'd rather call it "jealousy"....*whistles*

Both friends have something in common. Their hubbies fetch them to and from work. And I have a strong hunch that both friends are financing their cars out of their own paychecks as well which is sad because it's like you're buying the cake but you couldn't eat it.

Friend B had it a step further. When speed traps kept capturing her car plate number because her hubby likes to drive fast - I mean really fast and hubby's points are close to suspension, that's when her license came into full use.

Her name is used and she got the demerits. No points for guessing who insisted on Friend B to take her driving license in the first place. How clever! She didn't have to bother about remembering everything taught in driving school because she will never get to sit on the driver's seat. Ever. How convenient! Although she didn't exactly tell me about "taking the license out of convenience" bit, the part about her undeserved demerits is enough and I'm damn sure I'm close to my theory.

Oh, Friend B did mention that she will eventually drive, like, in an emergency.

Huh? You know, if it's an emergency, I'd hail a cab and rely on the driver to take me to, say, the hospital directly in front of A&E in super record time. In an emergency, I couldn't be frantically driving in a panic along the expressway (on a dark, stormy night!!) and dumping my passenger to find his/her way in the A&E while I swear and curse around the parking lot trying to find a decent spot. Oh please, be logical. I know I'm stupid but not that stupid.

Another friend (who drives) did mention that men are selfish creatures sometimes. They forgot who helped them to finance their dream cars and refused to let their wives drive.

They're too lazy to re-adjust the seats and mirrors. They'll be too busy wondering if their scatterbrained wives would leave the internal lights on and waste batteries. They'll be wondering if the wives would mess the car's mileage (and value) although it's only for a short trip to the local petrol station to pump a few litres more because there happened to be an islandwide petrol discount that day. Their egos would be bruised to the point of bleeding if their friends saw them in the passenger seat or god forbid, sitting there helplessly while wifey tried to do a three point turn at a small 2-way lane behind Joo Chiat complex.

It's a lot alike in a way. This wife bullying. Some obvious, some not so glaring. But still, it's how you make of the situation and how you deal with it that's important. An ustaz once said that God test us because He knows we're strong. The test will make us stronger. The tears is for us alone and it cleanses our soul.

So to the girls out there, stay strong because the guys may crow that we're the weaker sex, but technically, they don't know shit about giving birth, juggling 10 different things at the same time and giving up everything just to save their boyfriends'/husbands' butts.

Being Fat and Lovely

Miss M, yes the office foghorn albeit an innocently sincere one, is being funny today. She commented that I've put on weight over the festive season. Never mind that the festive season refers to Chinese New Year and I'm not really close to being chinese for that matter, let alone have a reason to stuff my face during a reunion dinner gathering (I have reunion any other nights with my own family thank you very much). It's just her way of saying that I'm fat.

I stroke my protruding belly pointedly and said dreamily "Yes, it's 4 months now".

She goes, "oh, you've been over-eating for 4 months?, Wah, you eat quite a lot yah..."

I was like "I have to eat or else I'll be like the very gay Merlion over the Singapore river with my head down the toilet bowl before every meal".

She went (again) "Yah, but you really put on weight leh, especially at the stomache"

Me: Of course I've put on weight. It's 4 months already.

Then somehow along the lines of blur and reality she goes "oooohhhh, you mean you're pregnant ar?"

Me: ??!!

She: Aiyah..I see all those uncles at the coffee shop eat until their stomache so big but never give birth

Me: Auntie, hello, those uncles eat and drink stout until they burst. Of course all the fat run to the belly lah..We're women you know, all the fats go all over the place, not just the stomache.

She: How I know?..I'm not married mah...

Somewhere along the row of cubicles, someone snorted. Must be June. I was right. June was the same age as Miss M, and unmarried too. But she's as different to Miss M as a bar of snickers to a plate of stale cookies.

Miss M has been alive for like 55 years and she can't differentiate between a pregnant woman and a fat one but I don't blame her. She is innocently ignorant but if only she can keep her voice down. The way she speaks sometime, although ridiculous makes most of us torn between cringing into our shoes and banging our heads against the wall. Oh and the loud voice is not helping either...

When in Rome

10 Useful Tips - Living in Splendid JB

1) Always stay humble. Pride always comes before a fall.

2) Smile. It doesn't cost anything and it exercises your facial muscles.

3) Do not rush and show your impatience expecially in a que.

4) Never flaunt. They know you're from the island down south based on how you speak and how you dress and oh! how you fill up your shopping cart(s) to overflowing.

5) Never compare prices aloud. If you want to check out the prices using your exchange-rate app in your swanky new iPhone4, do it discreetly.

6) Always rebuke the kids when they start complaining about slow internet connections. Tell them "This is not back home lah!..so suck it in".

7) When they say the Chicken Rice is "Sold Out", it means just that - Sold Out. Nevermind the 3 roasted chicken left hanging at the display counter. Those could be unsellable or god forbid, uneatable. So always count your blessings.

8) Always signal when you want to switch lanes. It's polite. And it also shows that you actually learn something from Bt Batok Driving Centre.

9) Always greet the immigration counter staff when you travel in and out with your MACS-ed passport. Although there's no shortcut que but hello, it's basic courtesy lah dey.

10) If your relatives or friends got wind of your long-term stay there and pass you their lists of "things to buy and tapau back" , tell them to 'wait long-long'. The RM$10 baju butterfly you bought from Giant Hypermart is for your personal use only.