The Office Again

On Paper Usage

The office is trying to monitor the number of papers used. It so happened that our department holds the mother of all records for the most "usage of precious papers".

I'm all for it because sometimes, the way the colleagues used the papers in our office literally made me cringe. It screws up your insides just like how the other day I saw a senior officer on the verge of retirement brushing his teeth/dentures in the pantry while letting the water run (yes, run as in big turn of the tap) wastefully down the sinkhole. I felt like pushing him down the sinkhole myself. He was lucky that day because my parents taught me to be respectful of all elders.

Going back on the papers, I felt that it was a good move because I've been a good example lately by printing double-sided while I can and using recycled paper for filing emails and whatnots. The only drawback is that we have to record whatever we print onto a record book which was hastily made up of recycled paper and 4 folders. One for each printer and the photocopier.

I find this recording strange because I thought there were counters in the machines churning out the amounts used. Maybe not. But to record every single print is a indeed a bit of a hassle. Other than this, my main gripe was missing pens. As the printers are located somewhere near to me, all those who come to collect their printing would naturally look for pen and the first person they can locate is....yours truly.

So, for the past three days, I've been replacing pens on the printers and for my table. I bet there is an overabundance of pens somewhere in somebody else's cubicle. Heck, there could be 3 or 4 extra pen each in every cubicle but mine. This morning alone, I lost 3 pens. This cannot go on man...

I know you're thinking "Just attach a bloody string to the bloody pen-lah"

We've tried. The lifespan of such a creation? Two hours. Someone actually cut the string.

So it was this morning that saw me printing these in Font Arial Size 8 and attaching these messages on all my new pens.

"Pls return to (insert name here) who can't keep requesting for new pens everyday"
"Stolen from (insert name here)"
"Hah! So you're the pen collector!"
"This is not my property but it's not yours either"

Oh, while I'm at it, here's another for the printer and the counter:-
"I am responsible and did not mistakenly steal this from the printer"
"I know it's not your intention to steal. Yours truly, The Counter Pen"

We'll try reverse psychology and if it still doesn't work, I don't know what else to say.

On CellPhones

Ninety-eight percent of the people in this department have a cellphone. That counts for almost everyone. I thought the purpose of your phone is for private and personal use, which is always the case. So, it's either easier for you to call out and easier for others to call you. I mean, that's the purpose right? For easier communication. Otherwise, why commit to buy the cellphone if you do not wish for others to disturb you?

Ok, here's the irritating part. The office did not stipulate that one must switch off the cellphone once you step into the office. This is not an examination hall. However, if you're committed to own that cellphone, and if you refuse to switch it off, then have the basic courtesy to answer your bloody call lah!!. If you don't wish to answer, then at least switch it to silent mode. What's the point of owning one bloody fancy phone when you're not there to answer the bloody call because you're having your bloody lunch and have the whole office listen to your bloody ringtone over and over again? It doesn't make bloody sense.

On Office Foghorns

Ok, this is a new record. But then again, it's not like everyday I can bitch about my office people right? So here's another bite.

There's this certificate cutter in the records room. I hate that room because it's eerily quiet. There are many uncollected certificates there. For all you know, some might stay uncollected because the owner are no longer in existence. I've ever received a request to dig out one so that his relative could burn it together with new clothes and money to spend in the "other world". He might just need that qualification I guess. However, apart from this, that room just gave us the creeps.

Anyway, aside from the creep nature, there's this brand new cutter for us to use to cut the perforated edges of our certificates. I had the misfortune of ruining two certs because of the alignment error. I raise the alarm and Mr L had to call the maintenance people. The people call back and told Mr L that it's a simple problem and that we can adjust the alignment by twisting a grey knob.

So, Mr L told me, "just twist the grey knob". I said "ok" and turn to my work because I'm not turning grey knobs that day because I've got something urgent to settle.

Along came Miss M. She is well known in the department as the office foghorn. Well, she sounds like one anyway. She's the type to come to your cubicle and suddenly say things like, "I notice you like to wear red" although that was the only red outfit you've ever had, or "I read in the newspaper survey that unmarried women are actually happier than married women. True hor?" leaving you speechless. Most of the time you're speechless anyway because your eyes are glued to the monitor and you politely nod your head every appropriate interval while Miss M goes on and on about the merits of one bakery in her neighborhood with another.

She's always a joy to entertain sometimes because her naivety exceeds beyond her 53 years. The only thing we can't stomach is her loud voice and her ability to repeat the same story to 6 different people who sit at close proximity to one another oblivious to the fact that altogether, 6 people have heard the same story 6 times.

After a while, it became plain irritating and when you were called aside by your boss telling you to "not entertain" Miss M so much, it really brings out the hackles. Number one. Miss M is the one that visits my cubicle. Ever since my mentor Kak S (who has no choice but to entertain Miss M because Miss M likes to tell stories to Kak S) have moved up to HR, Miss M have been bugging me about her stories and neighborhood shopping experiences - loudly. It's embarrasing sometimes. So, my boss offered to talk to her boss about this.

Apparently, they don't need to. Because one fine afternoon, during the grey knob incident, we found Miss M urgently needing to print her certificate. Very urgent. And when Miss M says urgent, the whole department should know. So, naturally, Miss M comes to me.

I told Miss M, "just twist the grey knob to adjust."
Miss M was like "What grey knob?"
I said, "I don't know. Mr L told me twist the grey knob"
"Come show me."
"How to show? I don't even know where the grey knob is" Patience at dangerously low level.
"Don't be like this lah" Annoyed.
"Go in and see lah. I need to rush this thing!!" (me) equally annoyed.

That was about how the conversation ends. But I can tell Miss M was totally angry with me. Should I feel guilty? Why should I?

Mr L gave me a fishing rod. I have not even gone fishing, how could Miss M ask me for the fish? The most I can do is lend her the fishing rod (the grey knob). What else did she expect me to do? Hold her hand, walk slowly, oh, how about a wheelchair while we're at it and perhaps she'd like me to carry her into the room and see together the grey knob? WTF man.

I tried to talk to her the next day but she answered me in a huff and till today, refused to talk to me. Like I care. For once, peace descended in the office. Let this be a lesson to her. I can't spoon feed her all the time. You learn, you write in a book, then if something like this happens you panicked and make everyone do your bidding. You know the irony of all this? Just the day before, Miss M attended the "Think on your Feet" two-day course. What did she learn? Think through her feet?

So here you have it, the office. You just have to have all these thrown at you 8 hours every day. Live and live!!